A Long Post. That Might Be Boring. (Let's call it a test of how much you like me...)

Today’s post is about academics. And expectations. And competitive feelings. And a lot of things… bear with me! Also, a warning: this post is long. Like, truly, or, in Japanese, hontou ni. Unless you’re, let’s say, my mom, (or my dad! Hi Dad!), this may bore you. Don’t worry about it. There will be more posts for you to read in future, you don’t have to read this one.

To begin with, let’s review (as we learn in this lesson, review is extremely important to the learning process!). I came to Japan to get better at speaking Japanese. And because I thought it would be cool. But what I really wanted/want out of this program, and these two months, is an increased ability to think of something I want to say and then BE ABLE TO SAY IT. It’s not as easy as it sounds, okay? Especially in front of teachers, for some reason. Actually, maybe this is obvious. When you want to sound at your best, you worry too much, and you may end up performing the worst. For me this is pretty much only true of speaking in Japanese. It makes me pretty darn nervous – and yet, I am improving! Yay!

So. I took a ton of placement tests. I did… let’s say… not so well… They put me into a second year Japanese class! Even though I’ve already taken second year! I was very sad – I went to the head of the program, Nazikian-sensei, who teaches at Columbia (and therefore knows me). She told me that she couldn’t do anything that moment, but we made an appointment to discuss things, and I set off to second… year… Japanese… class… With none other than my second year teacher from Columbia, Park-sensei. We reviewed basic verb forms. Very basic. I almost cried. No, really, I came very, very close.

So I had my meeting with Nazikian-sensei. I told her I wanted to go into third year. She agreed that second year was too low a level for me, but then… she started talking to me about my grammar – that I know a lot of grammar points, but I make a lot of small mistakes, and so it might be best for me to review. She said I had better go into 2.5, which is a summer program-y idea where you do the second semester of second year and then the first semester of third year. Again, I almost felt like crying. But at the same time, somehow, it sort of made sense to me. I don’t want to make small mistakes. I want to write really well in Japanese! So, I swallowed my pride. It was a little tough going down, but I did it.

And I felt like I had learned a valuable lesson – you don’t always have to be the best. And sometimes the best place to be, for you, is not at the top. And I wasn’t just telling myself these things to make myself feel better. I really saw the wisdom in review, and I was okay with it – even though two of my best buddies here are in third year. I felt so great about myself, that my self-worth wasn’t determined by what class I was in!

AND THEN. THIS MORNING. I WENT TO 2.5 CLASS. AND IT WAS TERRIBLE! I recognize that review is good, but my classmates were just not at the same level that I’m at. This is nothing to do with smartness. I have simply learned more than they have. Therefore, all that refining of my knowledge that I wanted to do WASN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. BECAUSE they weren’t ready – they needed basics, and the teacher gave them basics. Perfect. For them. But not for me. This time, I felt frustrated, and disappointed, but I was over the crying bit. I sat through the entire 3 hours of lessons… sigh…

Suddenly my valuable lessons about not being in the highest level were slipping away… What was I supposed to do?! Sit there and suffer through about 2.5 hours of excess for every ½ hour of useful knowledge? Um… I hoped not!

So when Park-sensei (my Columbia professor, remember?), asked me how 2.5 class had been, I tried, as tactfully as I can in Japanese, to say that it wasn’t really… um… giving me what I needed. And she was like, oh… okay… Hm… Maybe you can look at the third year materials and get a jump on learning words and characters for the second half of the program.

WHAT?! REALLY?! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE IN THIRD YEAR?! AAAAH!! Oh. This part happened silently, not with Park-sensei. Just so you know.

What happened next was something like a godsend. Or, I like to think it was. Really, it was probably pretty routine, but… yeah… We went to a park today, and drank tea the super super traditional way – shoes off, seated on knees (Ow! Ow! Ow!), with lots of bowing and formal set phrases to say – the entire program, including teachers, was along for the ride. So at one point, my new Japanese teacher, Kuwahira-sensei, is chatting with me, and she says, “so, how was class today?” And I’m like… “Oh, well…” So she goes, in English, “frankly,” and then in Japanese, “How was class?” So of course, that was all the invitation I needed.

I told her I was worried I wasn’t at the same point in Japanese studies that my classmates were, etc, etc, and then the conversation sort of ended. But we had done a lot of pairwork in 2.5 class today, and I was the odd student out, so I felt like Kuwahira-sensei pretty well understood that I was doing things a little faster than the others…

And then Park-sensei talked to Kuwahira-sensei, so Park-sensei came to talk to me. And basically the gist of that conversation was, “If you really want to be in 3rd year, I’ll argue for you. Or anyway ask Nazikian-sensei for you.” So I said, “YES! PLEASE! THANKS! I WANT TO WORK HARD! I WANT TO LEARN THINGS!” Or something like that…

And THEN, after the tea ceremony, Nazikian-sensei told me to come talk to her when we got back to the building where we have classes. And I did, and after about 15 minutes (no, really, it felt like forever!) of me convincing her I wanted to do it, I’m get to go into third year tomorrow. But I’m also “responsible for my own grade,” as she put it, so that’s scary. And, in a way, okay, since I’m not really planning to get credit for this program, so my grades will disappear into oblivion as soon as they are released. (In fact, my friends who did this program last year never even found out what their grades were!)

So that’s the story of how I might be a more humble person, but how I am also a good arguer, and people are nice to me, and let’s see how I do in third year, where I’ve wanted to be all along! I better send Park-sensei and Kuwahira-sensei thank you notes…

P.S. I just had third year class. I'll be fine, I think. Hooray!